Ron DeSantis wears sassy little boots meant to make a small man look bigger. What does this say about America?

Some background information might be necessary for my international (and not chronically online) audience. Ron DeSantis is a Republican presidential candidate and current Governor of Florida. He is known for his state response to Coronavirus, including laughable lockdown measures and record hospitalizations and death toll. 

He markets himself as a champion of individual rights, like the right to refuse to wear a mask; the right to spread a deadly virus, and the right to strut across the debate stage in a pair of sexy kitten heels. He also campaigns on parental rights, as in the right to ban books in schools, the right to fire teachers for mentioning their life partners. Florida’s public schools are some of the worst in the country: laws have been passed banning topics such as evolution, history of the United States’ racist founding, as well as gender and sexual health. After all, who needs sensible policies when you can have fabulous footwear?

So – can we talk about the boots?

These aren’t normal boots, but something stranger, deeply unsettling. They are made to appear as though he stands on two feet like a normal man, but he does not! Look at the diagram, and tell me, are you positive that you know what is underneath that black leather? Does he even have feet at all?

Politico asked three expert shoe-makers for their expert shoe-pinions. Zephan Parker, a bespoke bootmaker from Houston, says he has made height-increasing cowboy boots for a number of Texan politicians in the past. When asked if DeSantis was wearing lifts, he said “there’s no doubt.”

The governor’s new fashion choice is already making waves on social media, with hashtags like “parisfashionweek” and “mallgothfashion” trending on X. Rumor has it, DeSantis is already in talks with Dior to launch his own line of sassy boots, complete with the state flag and his catchy slogans like “Don’t Tread on These Toes” and “Make America Stride Again.”

Critics argue that a governor should be focused on more pressing matters like public health, education, and the economy, but I say, we need to get to the bottom of this. I will not rest until he takes these freaky boots off on live TV! What if he has no toes… How can we elect a man to be president without seeing his toes?

This raises a broader question: what are the aesthetic requirements for the US presidency? 

We focus on these boots as a sign of weakness, insecurity. He must cover his shame, lift his heels higher and pose as a taller, bigger, tougher figure than he may look or feel. The presidency is a traditionally masculine role, unfortunately, and thus masculine qualities are sought after in the presidential race. This is why the reporting, and even my own satire, frame the discovery of lifts as an indecent, feminine choice. His sassy little boots represent so much more than a few inches over 6 feet tall, they are conformity, the gender binary, power and lies. 

That is why the only fair solution is to require each candidate to attend the next debate barefoot. 

Shoes are tools of the oppressor – Free Ron DeSantis!